I CANT UNTANGLE

I should never do these things when I have had a bit too much to drink. For one, it takes too damn long. For two its like drunk dialing. Truth is I dont know why I am doing this thing. I guess I can't sleep and slow typing is my ffavorite thing in the world. I am a pro.
I can feel my pulse on my collar bone and my mouth tastes like alcohol and cigarrettes. My lips are swollen my eyes are burning my cheeks are red I can't stop crying. Its so stupid. I just can't. Even if I wanted to I couldn't. I get to emotional at these times and everything I cant have and everything I hate about myself comes to the surface. Even after a great night. A night with nothing to be mad about. Here I am.
I recently saw a commercial. Maybe I am just chronicaly depressed and esp when I am drunk. I mean, with my history. I probabably shold not drink. But here I am. My hands are tied and I am tired. The one thing I want is so far away, and I am to scared of everything.
I am who I am and I am afraid I will become my father. Or maybe not. I dont knwo. All I know is that when I am this drunk and alone all I want to do is cry and yell and scream and read and listen and sleep next to you. I just want to be next to you. I just want to be next to something. I just dont want this.
All I know about myself I learned from you. All I know is that I am a mess and honestly maybe I dont care for relationships because I am trying to keep people from this. Not because I want to be alone. Because.